I am someone who grew up in a very dysfunctional home.
There was so much yelling and screaming, throwing things at each other, holes in the walls, etc. It was a never ending darkness.
I can still remember how it felt lying in bed crying myself to sleep as a young child.
I genuinely thought everyone lived this way, in a constant darkness carrying a weight on their shoulders that only seems to get heavier with time.
My mental health declined rapidly in high school. I quit everything I ever liked: dance, drawing, making friends, and being active. I rejected it all.
I can even remember how much I hated myself on my 16th birthday. I was sitting at Hidden House coffee with my mom, dad, and brother at a corner table. I was wearing the only dress that I thought looked good on me (that I also happened to shrink after only a couple wears). We were waiting for our coffee to come out and we were sharing a bagel bomb. I didn’t want any because I was already too fat. I just wanted to go home and disappear into my room.
I think my mom knew something was up, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything because if I talked about it, it would become real. And I didn’t want to admit that I had been struggling with depression, and that it had taken over my life.
The only way I’ve ever been able to describe those years is through a letter in one of my favorite anime Erased.
In the letter, a girl writes about wanting to go to a far, far way island where nothing sad and nothing bad happens. There are no parents, teachers, or friends. She can be free to do whatever she wants.
She can also think about the town that she left where everything continues on like normal.
There have been so many moments when I thought I could disappear and no one would notice. No one would care. And I’ve felt this way for a very long time, not because I think I’m a terrible person or because no one loves me, but because no one has made me feel important enough to stay.
And I know how that sounds. I know I don’t need anyone to make me feel important because I already am.
But do you know how hard it is to believe that you matter when no one puts in the effort to show it?
Fat pig.
All she does is stuff her face with food.
She’s crazy.
Get her away from me.
And the looks. The side eyes. The silence after a burst of anger.
I can still remember the anguish. I wanted to peel my skin off, rip my heart out of my chest, and bang my head into the wall until I was dead. I would have done anything to get rid of the hurt because all I needed was to not feel that way.
Now, I’m almost 23 and I still struggle, but not in the same way I used to.
All of my dreams to have a family, to love someone, to get better, feels like they are fading.
If people don’t want to stay, how am I supposed to make them stay? If people don’t see me for who I am or what I have to offer, then why give them the time of day?
It hurts because I have such a strong desire to love and to be loved, just as any other human being on this planet.
But, what if I don’t ever get those things? What if they’re just not in the cards for me?
Even though I’m not physically dying, it feels like the person I want to become is.
I unfortunately just don’t have the energy to “want” anymore. I can’t because it would quite literally break me. I’ve taught myself to stop asking questions. To brush away any thoughts that seem too complicated or deep. I find myself scrolling on my phone for hours, simply waiting for this day to go and the next day to come.
The difficult part to understand is that I know people love me, like my mom and my dad. I can remember the faces of my beautiful friends and the moments we shared together.
And often, I rest in the warmth of the sun and it makes me feel calm.
I know that life can be beautiful and there is so much more, but I feel like I’ve endured enough. There’s no way to explain this feeling unless you’ve been here. And if you have, I’m sorry.
In these moments, I reach out to Jesus Christ because I can’t do anything else. I read my bible or lay my head on it. I talk to God, with my voice or in my head or my heart. I even repeat His name under my breath until I’m calm.
Then, peace washes over me and I fall asleep and wake up the next day. Which, to be completely honest with you, I didn’t want to wake up.
But God kept waking me up. And every day, I would cry and cry and cry. I would go to work and cry. I would come home and cry. I’d cry in the car. I’d cry in church. I’d cry in my room. I’d cry on my walks, too. I couldn’t tell you how many days and nights I spent pouring out my tears.
And for a long time, I didn’t think God heard me and I didn’t think He cared.
But the fact that I’m still alive shows me that He does care.
I struggle to understand the love of our Heavenly Father because I have not always been given love. I’m more of a friend to depression and loneliness than I am to hope. But, throughout the years of walking with Jesus, I realized that He’s never left. It was I who would walk away with shame or in anger. Yet, He received me with open arms each time. It took a lot of people I love leaving me to realize that the pain I felt is how He feels, too.
Jesus understands the human experience because He became one of us.
He was betrayed by those closest to Him. He was an outcast everywhere He went. In the end, Jesus was killed by the very people He came to save, and yet He raised His head to the heavens and pleaded with God on our behalf:
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” Luke 23:34
Do you know anyone that would willingly die for you, even after you betray Him?
Because I do, and His name is Jesus Christ. I rest well in knowing that He takes care of me, and I hope this is something that you also know, or come to know.
If you have ever felt forgotten, unseen, or like you’re carrying more than you were meant to bear, I hope you will come to know the same Jesus who kept meeting me in my pain.
He hasn’t given up on me and I don’t believe He’s given up on you either.
I mean, you’re reading this, aren’t you?
“For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13.